So…those of you who know me, know that I have lived in Minnesota for going on 16 years now. I was raised in Southern California, however, so I am no dim bulb. Not that being born in Minnesota makes you a dim bulb, but it probably makes you better able to tolerate cold things, like Polar Plunges which they never have in California. And I’ll bet native Minnesotans hardly ever get ice cream headaches. I should ask someday.
But anyway…what I’m trying to say is that I am smarter than the average bear. I keep up with current trends, heck, I even watch reality shows. I know all about the show they call “The Jersey Shore” and the fact that they have a situation, which apparently is different than someone on the show who is called “The Situation” which makes no sense because why would you name yourself after “…a position with reference to the environment?” He apparently “hooks up” with a plethora of really tanned girls, but is really only in love with his six-pack. So I’m thinking HIS situation is a lack of successful therapy? I’m not sure, but am I describing this show accurately? I’m just wondering, because I’m only able to watch it for about two minutes and I’m lost. I don’t speak “bleep” and every other word is *bleep* this you mother*bleep*, kiss my *bleep* you Long Island *bleep*… well, you get my point. All this to say that I’m in “the know” and I consider myself pretty well informed, so imagine my confusion when my friend leans over and whispers in my ear one night at a Pampered Chef party that she has installed a pole in her bedroom. I was totally confused. Why the secrecy? Is it that embarrassing that you have a sagging roof in your bedroom? Or did she just join the Volunteer Fire Department and needed lots of practice?
Well, my confusion was met with huge guffaws of laughter. Imagine my surprise when she told me that this pole is for aerobic exercise! I learned that you not only slide down this pole, but you apparently shimmy up it also if you are really good. Good at what? I asked. Again…guffaws. I guess I better start watching more reality television, but in the interest of always learning, I pressed on. So, what kind of aerobic exercise do you do with this thing? Well, apparently, there is a DVD for this pole-thingy and the woman on the cover of this DVD found it important to wear very little clothing, lots of lace and gloves. OK, I understand the little amount of clothing and lace because lace breathes and it appears that with all the heavy breathing and stuff that you will get sweaty, but gloves? Really? From the pictures on this box, it appears she had her female stuff *thisclose* to metal and she was worried about protecting her hands? Seriously? That just cracks me up. I just think somewhere on that DVD box they should put a warning that instructs the user to have a container of Lysol wipes near the pole at all times.
So I press on. Apparently, if you use the pole and you are dressed, it is aerobic. If you are naked, it is erotic. They sound similar don’t they? But they aren’t even close! I guess this means that if you accidentally shimmy up and down this pole-thingy naked, you will get absolutely NO caloric burn! I could be wrong about that, but I'm too embarrassed to ask. Goodness gracious Sister Mary Teresa, I'm blushing just typing this.
My friend insists that using this pole is a great all around body toner and conditioner. I could get firm upper arms, tone my thighs and flatten my stomach. Well, yeah, I thought, as long as you keep your clothes on! Otherwise, you can forget all about that flat stomach sister! Don't you know where babies come from? I do...and apparently they can now come from energetic pole dances! Just another reason for those Lysol wipes!
Well, my confusion was met with huge guffaws of laughter. Imagine my surprise when she told me that this pole is for aerobic exercise! I learned that you not only slide down this pole, but you apparently shimmy up it also if you are really good. Good at what? I asked. Again…guffaws. I guess I better start watching more reality television, but in the interest of always learning, I pressed on. So, what kind of aerobic exercise do you do with this thing? Well, apparently, there is a DVD for this pole-thingy and the woman on the cover of this DVD found it important to wear very little clothing, lots of lace and gloves. OK, I understand the little amount of clothing and lace because lace breathes and it appears that with all the heavy breathing and stuff that you will get sweaty, but gloves? Really? From the pictures on this box, it appears she had her female stuff *thisclose* to metal and she was worried about protecting her hands? Seriously? That just cracks me up. I just think somewhere on that DVD box they should put a warning that instructs the user to have a container of Lysol wipes near the pole at all times.
So I press on. Apparently, if you use the pole and you are dressed, it is aerobic. If you are naked, it is erotic. They sound similar don’t they? But they aren’t even close! I guess this means that if you accidentally shimmy up and down this pole-thingy naked, you will get absolutely NO caloric burn! I could be wrong about that, but I'm too embarrassed to ask. Goodness gracious Sister Mary Teresa, I'm blushing just typing this.
My friend insists that using this pole is a great all around body toner and conditioner. I could get firm upper arms, tone my thighs and flatten my stomach. Well, yeah, I thought, as long as you keep your clothes on! Otherwise, you can forget all about that flat stomach sister! Don't you know where babies come from? I do...and apparently they can now come from energetic pole dances! Just another reason for those Lysol wipes!
It all sounds like too much work to me. But I promised her I would cozy up on her couch with a good bowl of ice cream and watch that DVD in the interest of furthering my education. If I decided to get me one of those pole-thingy's and never mastered it, I could always reinforce my bedroom ceiling. I’m just sayin’…
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