When I transplanted to Minnesota, I was pretty much clueless when it came to the regional cuisine. I didn’t know what the heck Lutefisk was and by the looks of it, I certainly didn’t want to eat any. Sauerkraut made my eyes burn, and who the heck ever thought it was a good idea to deep fry curds of anything, especially cheese? Well, having been here awhile now, I do, and I’ve also become a fan of anything fried on a stick during state fair season…but that’s not the point of the story.
My favorite saint of a cousin, Elaine, called me one day to invite me to a family function. Now this was especially exciting for me because I was new to town and still getting to know my relatives. I was really excited to get together and pass the bread basket, so to speak. She asked if I would like to bring some bars for dessert. Now…for those of you who know what bars are…well aren’t you just a bit too smart for your britches…but where I came from, bars are places where people drink, sing bad karaoke, and play pull tabs, or bars are something I buy at the store and horde in my desk for a 2:30 sugar high. I didn’t know that bars were desserts that people make in these parts and put on cookie sheets! And there are apparently like 500,000 kinds of bars you can make and most Lutherans know them all. Catholics are a close second. In my expertise, I was an atheist. No bar experience…sorry. I have since become an expert at consuming bars.
So, when Elaine asked me if I would bring bars to the family get together, I thought I got off easy. No potato salad to fix, no veggies to cut up, no casserole to prepare…just go grab a few bags of Snickers at HvVee and it’s all good! When Elaine asked me what type of bars I would like to bring to the get-together, the following study in miscommunication ensued…
“I thought I would bring some Snickers Elaine, is that good?”
“Good? That’s great! Snickers, yum…how do you make those?”
“Well, I assume with nuts, caramel, chocolate…some kind of nougaty stuff, why?”
At this point, I’m thinking, jeez, this chick has never tasted a Snickers? She will be easy to buy for at Christmas!
“Well, I don’t have the recipe for those, I would love to have the recipe.”
“I don’t have the recipe either Elaine. Do I need a recipe for Snickers?”
“Wow! Are you that good with your bars that you know the ingredients by heart?”
“It’s not that big of a stretch is it Elaine?”
“Well, for cryin’ out loud Sally Jean, I mean, I know what’s in ‘em but that doesn’t mean I know how they are made.”
“I don’t know how they are made either Elaine, but is that important…I mean, is it important to know how the bars are made?”
“Well, for Pete’s sake, it seems to me it helps the process if you know what you are making when you attempt to make it.”
“True. I’m sure that is all thought out ahead of time.”
“Um…right…um…” *awkward silence*
At this point, I'm thinking dang, is the manufacturing process in Minnesota really that different than other places in the nation? Do people just show up at the plant and make it up for the day? Hey Lars...you dump some of those peanuty things into the nougaty stuff...Leana, you go find some chocolate and mix it with some caramel and give it to Norm to mix it in that really big buckety looking thingy. Really?
“So, anyway Elaine, I’m bringing Snickers…is that good?”
“Yah sure! How many?”
Now I've heard that we have an uncle who is a real carnivore of sweets, but he was suppose to have developed Type II Diabetes, so it seemed to me I could cut back on a bag.
“Do I need to count them, really?“
“Well, I mean…how many sheets, you know…cookie sheets of them?”
“I need to put them on cookie sheets?”
“Well, isn’t that how you make them?”
“I have to make them?”
At this point, I'm breakin' out in a flop sweat.
“Well, goodness gracious Aunt Molly how else are you going to get Snickers on a cookie sheet?”
“Why do they need to be put on cookie sheets? Is that a cultural norm around here or something? “
“Well, I suppose you could put them into a baking pan, but do they bake all the way through if they are that thick?”
“Bake? Who said anything about baking?”
“Well for crimeny sakes Sister Laura how can you make a bar without baking it?”
“Make bars? What the heck are you talking about?”
“I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR SNICKER BARS!”
“We are…I was going to buy some at HyVee and just bring them in their bag…”
“Holy jumpin’ Jehoshaphat, they make bars in a bag at HyVee…well, I never!”
One of us peed our pants at this point, but we will never admit who and it will go with us to our graves. I will only say this…Elaine had to excuse herself from the phone for just for a teensy weensy moment, but I don’t want to imply anything. If Elaine tells her version differently, well, she is older, memory being what it is, she might not remember the events as vividly as I do. I’m just sayin’…
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