I’ll admit it…I am a veteran of online dating. Those who know me best know that I have been marginally successful at meeting great people on various sites and now count them as friends. That’s the upside. Notice it only took me two sentences to explain the upside to online dating.
I’ve tried them all. Match.com was my first foray into online dating during a period in my life that I now refer to as the “crazy days.” I’ll admit, when you are suddenly a single mom and going through a divorce, you wonder if you are alright and if you will ever be in a relationship again. You second-guess yourself…was it my fault, was it his fault?
I was pretty sure I was a functioning human being, but just to be sure, I thought it would be a good idea to log-on to a site full of dysfunctional, professional psychopaths to reconfirm my suspicions. I was so clearly out of my depth! I was a naïve virgin in the sleazy world of online dating, and being of German decent, I thought if they wrote it and it was on the Internet by golly, it must be the truth! After all, I was being truthful, so all these gorgeous men who wanted to walk with me on sunlit beaches, wine and dine me, communicate endlessly until 2:00 a.m. and buy me expensive jewelry must be telling the truth also, right? What do the young kids say these days? LOL??? Yeah, well, LO-friggin’ L to THAT one! In the infamous words of Judge Judy, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!" Don’t put up a 15 year old picture and tell me you own your own business, fool! It is stretching the truth AT BEST to go door to door selling magazine subscriptions and call it your own publishing company!
And online sites are time suckers! Let me tell you, if I billed Match and EHarmony alone for the time I took to complete their survey/profiles, even at minimum wage, I’d have a cushy retirement, but EHarmony was by far the worst. I collected all my mortgage papers, my birth certificate, my car note, my children’s social security numbers, the combination to my home safe, submitted my blood type and health records and completed the EHarmony “compatibility survey” narratives. I was SURE they were going to send me my soul mate. After all, I had all 40 dimensions of compatibility…no broken pony here folks!! I expounded on how a volunteer spirit was important, how I wanted someone in the upper IQ range, and a good communicator would be nice. I wasn’t particular about income - HUGE mistake…at least specify that they NEED one! Then I sat back and waited for the miracle… it came in the form of Henry from Hibbing, MN. No kidding, I can’t make this up.
Here’s your soul mate Lynn!! Henry was in an accident on his bicycle and wasn't wearing a helmet, so he can no longer perform high functioning calculations as an estimator for the government. The upside is that this gives him the time to make birdhouses out of Quaker Oatmeal tubes and he donates his hair to Locks of Love. His little yapping dog has a slight urinary problem, but the pain-in-the-yap pooch can tolerate Febreeze with only minimal hair loss and scratching, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Besides, the landlord at the trailer park loves him so he can go over there if we need some "alone" time! Retirement income according to Henry is a myth perpetrated on the man by an out-of-control capitalist government, so if YOU have any, we can just share. Henry’s children won’t interfere with your plans to travel during your retirement because no one is on speaking terms. He’s a Christian, so pre-marital sex is a no-no, but given the right incentive, he would be willing to give the little blue pill a try just to make sure there is a future in the romance department. Lastly, Henry wants you to know that even though people think he speaks with a slight accent, it really is the product of a bad dental bridge, and he will address that as soon as EHarmony tells him there is a gal pal ready and waiting to hook up! He doesn’t want anything to come between him and possible eternal bliss.
I could go on, but this blog is only so long. Suffice to say, if you venture out into the world of online dating, that’s your decision. But remember these wise words: “financially independent” means he lives with a roommate and they usually get stuck paying the rent, “slightly balding” means you won’t spy a hair on his head, “spiritual but not religious” means he couldn’t give you directions to any of the ten churches in town, or he might have a sick passion for sacrificing cats but always says “Bless you kitty” before he sets them on fire, and “full-figured” means he can’t fit into the booths at Papa Leone’s, but you better be a size 5.
Here's hoping your online experience is better than mine, but you have been warned. What you do with the information is up to you, I’m just sayin’…
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