Ode to Joe...

Some of you are just getting to know me, and so one thing that you will learn is I have a little thing about Joe Mauer.  No...not the guy that works at the HyVee meat counter.  He spells his last name Mauerer and his side burns suck.  No, I'm talking about that hunk of manhood holding down home plate for the Minnesota Twins.  He's as close to perfection as you can get in a human.  Have you ever looked at that man?  Now here is a guy who knows how to get a good haircut.  And he is obviously paying attention to his personal hygiene because I don't see a breakout on that face.  Of course, that limits his income potential because the people from ProActive aren't going to come knockin' but I think he's planned sufficiently for his retirement to overcome that challenge. 

I don't know what it is exactly, but Joe just has the "it" factor.  He has legions of fans who hang on his every word just because he is Joe.  He has the most loyal fans in all of baseball.  We will mortgage our house, give up our morning lattes, and sacrifice our children's trust fund to get choice seats behind home plate.  We just want to please Joe.  For instance, when he told everyone at Target Field that he wanted to see the stands filled with lots of "athletic supporters" I didn't miss a beat.  I grabbed my keys to the car and headed out to clear the aisles of every "athletic supporter" Sports Connection stocked.  Thankfully my sons pulled me back from the brink of insanity in time to me to tell me that Joe was asking for "fans" not jock straps.  See what I mean...? Anything for you Joe...**sigh**...

So why the fixation on Joe you ask?  Why not Cuddyer, or Thome?  In fact, my good friend Heather often looks at me with confusion when I swoon over Mauer because she's busy taking anti-seizure medication just to watch Michael "Heather's Hotty" Cuddyer.  And don't get her started about those stretches he makes at first base!  She has an inhaler for those times.  I totally support and understand her obsession.  We are mature women after all, and a little harmless crush in a totally unattainable situation is just fun, and you know what?  It's actually thrifty.  In these economically challenging times, hoping for a wild pitch just to see the backside of Mauer, while a bit counterproductive for our team, gives me a totally harmless hot flash!  Some women pay up to $500 or more to control their hot flashes, but not  me!  I say bring 'em on!  It's a small price to pay for Joe, my Sugarplum, Pumby-umby umpkin!  I'm just sayin'...