Being a single mother and homeowner, I often find myself in the precarious situation of facing off with a plugged toilet, a leaky faucet or pot holes in the driveway that will break an ankle. I don't like to think of myself as a dependent, whiny female, so typically I am not daunted by home improvement projects. However, and I say this as a huge caveat...I am also not stupid. I know that my skills in construction are generally limited to buying the tools at Home Depot, not necessarily using them! And I typically love to go to Home Depot and cruise the aisles looking at the latest cabinets, flooring and plumbing fixtures and it is therapeutic for me. But that bliss is short-lived if I go with someone of the male persuasion. Then it becomes a whole different animal.
Me: "Oh...I love these cabinet pulls...stainless steel is pretty "in" right now."
He: "Stainless steel is too expensive. These white knobs would be just fine."
Me: "But the aesthetic is just perfect for the tone I'm looking to set in the kitchen."
He: "What the heck is an aesthetic? And what the heck is a tone?"
Me: "Um...OK, forget tone and that big 3-syllable word, but you freely admit that you DO know what a kitchen is, right?"
He: "...*silence*..."
So, unless I want to endure something akin to pulling off my nail beds, I avoid going to Home Depot with a dude. If I need a comedic fix, then I go alone, and I head straight to the hardware aisle. It's a harmless way to spend a Thursday night and it's free entertainment, so don't be hatin'. If you want to see a perfect stranger break out in hives, pull up next to him as he's perusing the screws and nails selection and ask him if you think you should buy 1/4" or 1/2" decking screws for your fence project. I have done this. It's not pretty...but it is funnier than Bambi on ice! I have had men look at me like I just sprouted a third eye, or at the very least, asked them to remember to put down the toilet seat. Most of them can't form complete sentences. Here I am, a woman in testosterone-land, clearly out of my territory and speaking...freely...to someone who isn't clad in a bright orange apron. Has the world tilted on its axis? Sometimes I get a coherent response. Usually they just look at me and say, "Can I find someone in orange for you?"
Guys are like that...everything is color-coded. In fact, over the years, I've learned that "real" construction guys snicker under their breath when I pull out the Black and Decker drill I have coveted for so many years, and it took awhile for me to realize that they buy their tools by color. Yellow, for some reason, is held in high esteem. Red seems to the be color old-timers gravitate towards, but only wimps go for the teal and black of Black and Decker fame. It all seems silly to me, because tools in and of themselves seem colorless and lack personality. Now see, if it were up to me, I would put great looking floral wraps around those framing hammers, and I would color coordinate the battery chargers with the tool boxes you can buy for just a few extra Benjamin's in aisle 4. I would embroider nicknames on your tool apron and offer animal prints for your tool belts. Make steel toe boots in shocking pink and purple zebra stripes! Why can't you find hardhats with daisies?
It's probably a good thing I'm not in charge of Home Depot's buying decisions...but I figure why not look fashionable while you are putting on that new toilet wax ring? Seriously! Does it need to be so boring? Plumbers crack isn't THAT entertaining...I'm just sayin'...
No comments:
Post a Comment