So...now Brad the Recycled Bachelor is heading off to Sin City! How exciting for him! The girls are pretty stoked too! They get to see Brad kiss and climb over girl after girl AND get free drinks while they gamble with ABC's money. That is so...no let me say it...AMAZING!
So they arrive at the hotel and Brad meets them in the Rugburn Suite. And they are SO impressed! Why shouldn't they be? It's the Penthouse Suite. Note to girls...the farther up you go in the elevator the cooler the rooms get! Really! And here is our Hospitality Director Brad telling them that this is ALL THEIRS! Well, at least until filming is over girls. Don't get too excited. But seeing the girls happy makes Brad happy and when Brad is happy the world is happy. And if that isn't enough, Brad's cup really runneth over because he tells every girl in the room that they will be getting a date with him. I'm lost...isn't that what this show is all about? Where is the newsflash there? Ok, I'll keep watching. This is bound to make sense sooner or later.
So looks like Shawntel N. is getting a "One on One" with Brad, which I have surmised by now means a date and not a basketball game. Brad mysteriously indicates that this date is going to end with "a bang." Hope Shawntel is luckier than Jimmy Hoffa..his date ended with a bang too I believe, but you know...what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
So off we go to explore the gluttenous riches of Sin City with Brad and lucky "One on One" winner, Shawntal. First stop, the most...wait for it...AMAZING...shopping mall in the world and it has ICEBERGS! Boy Shawntal, you ain't in Chico anymore! These here are real live fake icebergs...be impressed. As she looks around and tries to begin pronouncing the names of the shops, Brad tells Shawntal that she gets to go into any shop and buy to her hearts content. She is so darn excited, I'm waiting for her to pull out an inhaler, but the real humorous part of this is how Brad is reacting. I mean, I realize that nothing says love like retail therapy, but dude, this is on someone elses dime, remember? So what makes you the tall cowboy in the saddle? You aren't even signing the Visa bills. I don't think he's bright enough to realize that this is a reality show and he turns back into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight. Poor, poor Brad, I'm beginning to really feel bad for this guy. Ok, no I'm not, he's still a putz.
As they go from store to store, I'm getting antsier and antsier...at one point, I am screaming at the TV!!! Grab that Visa honey, ditch the dude, shop till you drop and put four tickets for you and your BFF's to Paris on that card before the ABC execs shut you down!!! Go!!! NOW!!!!
But alas, it is not to be. Instead, I get to listen to Shawntal drone on about how "natural" she feels holding Brad's hand, strolling through the mall, while a camera crew follows closely behind. I get it! That would be totally natural for me too. Wow...see? I'm starting to get it. No I'm not. I'm lying, Brad is still a putz.
So now Shawtal gets to head back to the herd to display her kill to the waiting lionesses. They quickly disembowel her and take her loot to the cave. Wait, that's National Geographic. I get confused sometimes, because the mating game on this show is so similar to the mating that goes on in the wild. Now, where was I?
Oh yeah...Shawntal is now walking through the door to the Rugburn Suite where all the jealous girls have assembled. She is thoroughly pissing Michelle off because she has the shoes and dress that Michelle wanted. Well, I would tell Michelle to build a bridge and get the heck over it, but she would probably put a hit out on me, so I better shut my mouth. Did I mention that Brad is a putz?
Fast forward to the end of this "One-on-One" date which entails dinner on the top of the hotel. We have to drag ourselves through fifty more uses for the word AMAZING! The dinner is AMAZING, the city lights are AMAZING, the fireworks are AMAZING, look at my new bra Brad, isn't it ...ok, you get the idea. All I know is that this part of The Bachelor is over, I only have to blog one more hour and THAT my friends, is AMAZING!
So now after a few minutes of fast forwarding on my DVR, were apparently Brad and his two loves were flying high in some kind of a Cirque de Soleil meets Elvis performance, and where Brad kisses one lady goodbye forever, we are now heading over to the NASCAR racetrack. And why a racetrack you ask? Oh please...one word...ratings. Let me explain...
Emily (who everyone loves from what I hear and I have to admit, has a certain "girl next door" charm about her) is the odds on favorite to steal Brad's heart during the second hour of this show. I pop a bowl of popcorn, sip some sugar-free Crystal Light, and balance my checkbook while I watch the drama unfold. Apparently, there is a reason we are at the racetrack. See, Emily had this fiance named Ricky. And, well, Ricky was a...wait for it...a NASCAR driver..who dies in a plane crash, on the way to a...wait for it...NASCAR race!!! Oh, come on now!! I KNOW you didn't see that one coming did you? I mean, what are the chances that the producers would decide to strap a bunch of clueless drama queens into some speeding race cars and send them careening around the oval without some sort of huge payoff? Call me cynical, but I feel a setup comin' on. And wouldn't you know it...Brad just KNOWS that something is bothering Emily. Of course, he pretty tapped into his feminine side, so being the prince that he is, he goes to get the 411 on the situation.
"Emily, I saw your face and I knew something was wrong..." That's reality show speak for cue the music...cue the sweet Emily...and let's get the audience boo-hooing. Well, I'll tell ya...I feel for her. Her story really is tragic and that is the FIRST real emotion I've had (well, if you don't count revulsion) since watching this show. But how dense do the producers think we are when Brad reacts to her story and says he had NO idea, and he feels TERRIBLE, but apparently, not too terrible because he still let the producers put her behind the wheel of a race car. Shame on you Brad. But darn it all, that plucky Emily...you gotta hand it to this girl...she took two laps for Ricky, one lap for her and now she's ready to find love! You GO girl! No...I mean, you should really GO girl...to another show, another network, anywhere but The Bachelor, cuz honey, you are too normal. Which leads me to the strangest scenes of the night which involved the least normal of the dames...you guessed it...Michelle.
This chick is great at whipping all the other girls into a frenzy and after whining non-stop about how the day ended up being the "Emily day" Michelle decides she's had enough. She doesn't want Brad to talk to the other girls so she takes him into...no let me rephrase that...she drags Brad into an adjoining room, slams him into a chair and jumps on his lap. Oh, this is just going to end badly I think. "From here on out...no talking." she says. Her eyebrows are looking really scary. How do chicks do that? I can't make my eyebrows do that. I tried. I just look constepated. Oh well, I digress. Anyway, I'm waiting for Brad to knee her in the crotch and throw her off his lap and declare his love for the sweet Emily, but NO...he stares at her like a love-sick puppy and wipes the drool off his chin with his tie. Pa-thet-ic.
"You have some really big decisions to make," she continues as she lovingly (?) strokes the side of his face "...and I think you need someone who appreciates you. So while you think tonight about your big decisions...kiss, kiss,stroke...who you are going to...kiss, kiss, stroke...terminate...kiss, kiss...I want you to remember...kiss, kiss...I sleep with a dager under my pillow. Now, let's go send some girls home."
Now I KNOW this chick will be around at the end, you know why? Because by the season finale, we will all hate Michelle so much that we will tune in to see her get her comeupance, and ABC will score a ratings bonanza. But in the end, I predict Brad will send the evil Michelle to the limo and propose to the fair Miss Emily. But don't feel too bad for Michelle. Chicks like her take advantage of their 15 seconds of fame. She will pop up on an episode of "Wipeout" wherein the tables will be turned and the big balls will kick HER butt for a change. Probably a good thing. That girl needs a good butt whoopin. Too bad Brad couldn't do it, but he's a putz. I'm just sayin'...!
See ya next week!
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