No, Mom...single is not the new pathetic!

So I am single, by choice, and totally committed to staying that way.  For some reason it works for me.  I've been in many a relationship, but I always end up weighing the pluses and minuses and it seems like going to bed early on Friday nights, or sitting in front of the TV with a bowl of popcorn and a stack of chick flicks just trumps having to put on jeans, heels, doing my makeup and going to a restaurant to eat too much food and pay too much money for the privilege.  Call me crazy, but sucking it in for four hours just makes me cranky. 

And don't get me started about going to a bar.  Just being in a bar gets my bitch-o-meter amped up.  I have little or no tolerance for the mating game that is played out every Friday night.  We all know about the skinny chicks that circle the perimeter of the bar like a lion stalks its prey, picking out the sorry sucker that's going to be duped into buying their drinks all night. These girls are masters at their craft and while they are entertaining to watch, once they've caught their prey it's like watching a documentary.  If I'm going to watch someone get disemboweled, I would rather watch it on Grey's Anatomy and learn something while I'm vegetating.

And God forbid, that bar has a Karaoke.  My cousins like to call it Krokey, like a frog.  Maybe that is because most people sound like frogs when they sing on that thing, I'm not sure.  But please, any of you who consider yourselves Karaoke experts, why does the most tone deaf, drunk, irritating and smelly man in the bar have to sing the longest song ever written by man... "In the Garden of Eden" by Iron Butterfly, or as it is better known by drunks everywhere..."Ina-godda-da-vida babyyyyyyy....*hiccup*"  Please, can I rip off my nail beds now? Maybe you have some battery acid I could gulp down? 

I have so many stories of why couple status doesn't appeal to me.  These stories usually involve really bad personal hygiene (HIM! Not me...what are you thinkin'?)  Lack of intelligent conversation (again, HIM not me...) or trying to escape his dog who wants to hump my leg.  It is all so creepy I throw up in my mouth a little bit when I think about it.  I'm surprised this doesn't come up more in therapy, but then again, my therapist has booked me through 2015, so maybe we will be touching on this at some time.

All I know is that for now, and now can mean anything from a nanosecond to a millennium, I am happy flying solo.  I don't have to ask anybody to approve my budget.  I don't have to fight about how the toilet paper should go on the roll.  Like I would lose that fight!  Jeez...I don't know a man alive that PUTS the dang toilet paper on the roll.  Seriously?  What is the challenge?  I mean it takes about four seconds, involves roughly two muscle groups and almost zero intelligence...still, you would think I asked them to figure out a dang Rubik's cube.  I don't get it...they say we evolved from apes, but even apes can put a toilet paper roll on the holder!  I know...I've seen it on America's Funniest Videos.

Another thing that is great about being single is that I don't have to go to my committee of one to approve color choices for the kitchen walls, and I don't have to explain why I have twenty magazine subscriptions.  OK, some of them admittedly are duplicates, but I'm sure I helped some child win a crappy prize in their schools magazine drive.  So I have four tubes of the same shade of lipstick.  Arrest me.  And I guess the world is going to end because I like sea salt and hand made soap in my bubble bath?  Who invited you anyway?  So you see, single appeals to me because obviously, the only men who are dating right now are all critics.

I think that the best thing about being single is that I win all my arguments with myself, and if I ask myself if my butt looks big in my jeans, I always get the same response...What butt? You don't even have a butt girlfriend! You need to eat more!  Where are those animal crackers and this time, eat the hippos!!!  It's a great way to live, I'm just sayin'...

It is NOT a diet pill, it's the magical weight loss discovery of the century!

So I was up at two in the morning watching infomercials when along came a commercial for the magical weight loss discovery of the century!  It sounded intriguing, because I mean, this is the discovery of the century and not the decade or year, so that’s big stuff.  I thought as long as it was legal, well, why not try it?  I mean, I’m always up for going down on the scale!  I do need to say at this point that I don’t drink coffee, and I drink very little soda.  I am what you would call “hypersensitive” to caffeine.  Just thinking about caffeine gives me jitters.  Just saying the word “caffeine” dilates my pupils.  So you get the idea that caffeine amps me up a tad, right? 

None of the tiny print on the bottles I received mentioned feeling jittery but then again, my command of the Chinese language is limited.  I didn’t see any little characters that looked like the words “caffeine,” “speed” or “crystal meth" so I figured, this guinea pig is ready for duty Master Sergeant! 

8:00 a.m. – I took my magical weight loss discovery with a piece of toast and peanut butter.  I hope that I read it right.  My understanding of Chinese writing is limited to Won Ton, General Chow's Chicken, and Moo Goo something or other.  I could call the girl that does my nails, but I don’t think I could read the directions to her without sounding like I was choking, and besides, I think she’s Vietnamese.    So, I’ll just make it up.

9:00 – So far, so good.  No big amp up.  No big appetite either.  So maybe this pill is doing something!  I'll think about that a bit more, but first, I need to go attend to that whining cookie jar in the kitchen.  I’ll be back. 

9:15 – Wow!  Maybe there is something to this amazing discovery of the century!  I only ate half a dozen animal crackers!  It’s better than downing a dozen of those monsters right?  I mean, really, if you think about it, as long as you eat the smaller animal crackers like the turtle and the horse instead of the hippo, you are probably saving calories, right?  I wonder what I could save in calories if I scrape off the little candy balls that are sprinkled on top?  Does white icing have more calories than the pink?  Am I getting obsessive?  Am I asking myself a lot of questions?  How would I know?

9:45 – I need to clean my desk drawer.  And my office looks like an IED went off in the filing cabinets.  Paper and files and curriculum everywhere!!  And wouldn’t it be really productive if I opened all the reams of paper at one time?  How much time does my staff spend taking wrappers off photocopy paper anyway??  Let’s see…are all the light bulbs working?  Look at the dust on those extension cords!  And look at that impressive collection of Asian beetle carcasses in the corner of the windows!  Have I been living in a cave??  Lord, I never knew this, but I am an obvious hoarder!

10:45 – I’m afraid to go into the staff bathroom, but I think it is going to have to be done.

10:46 – It’s worse than I thought.  I’ll be busy for awhile. 

11:50 – After a cursory inspection, I need to put together a list of things I need from the hardware store.  Let’s see, toilet, sink, mirrors, paper towel dispenser, vinyl floor covering, drywall, paint.  That should cover it.  I don’t know how I have been subjecting myself or my staff to that bathroom, but it just needs to stop before someone files a Worker’s Comp claim.

Noon – Time to eat, but surprisingly, all I really want to eat is this little yellow lemon head that I found under my desk.  That should hold off the really bad cravings until afternoon.

12:30 – The staff are enjoying their sloppy joe’s and cole slaw.  I am chewing on my favorite paper clip.  It’s weird in an existential sort of way that I am happy chewing metal, and it’s even weirder that I’m thinking about words like existential.

1:45 – Time to pick up the Kindergarten kids.  I jump into my car, which this morning looked spic and span, but I just noticed that there is a haze on the windshield that needs to be addressed right now or I might cause an accident.  I get out the Windex and magic fiber cloth that I keep in the trunk and it is then I realize that there are water spots on this entire car!  How much time will it take to give the car a quick wax job?  What will I tell the teacher?  Maybe she would believe I had a mechanical failure if I rub some dirt on my face and mess my hair up just a bit.  Oh wait…what happened to my hair?  I was having a good hair day a few hours ago…where is my hair spray???

2:05 – I got in trouble.  I mean, what is worse than having your head chewed off by a teacher when you are clearly NOT a Kindergartner?  She wasn’t the least bit sympathetic to my dirt stained cheeks, and my flimsy story, but I think she had an attitude anyway because my hair clearly looked nicer than hers.  I realize teachers are underpaid, but they really need to quit taking that out on innocent citizens. 

2:10 – On the way from the Nazi prison they call a Kindergarten Center, I put down the windows and crank the tunes.  Singing at the top of my lungs is aerobic, and I find that I am totally sympathetic to that guy who rides all over town on his Schwinn bike collecting cans, when yesterday I almost ran him over and called him a four letter word.  This miracle pill could be a great help in bringing about world peace.  Leo thinks something has gotten into Miss Lynn and he doesn’t know if he should sit still, or bolt at the next available stop sign.  I tell him that the only reason I’m laughing out loud and talking to myself for no apparent reason is that the little helper Miss Lynn took this morning is obviously time-released!! Oh happy days!!

3:-45 – Time for another paper clip.

5:00 – I’m hungry and I will eat anything that isn’t nailed down.  Once I arrive home, I reach for the box of Oreo’s and pop them into my mouth without the least hesitation as to whether I should eat the cream-filled middles first or not.  Those are closely followed by Cheese-Its.  Interesting, I never knew the combination could sort of taste like a vanilla fudge sundae that has like a cheese topping!

6:00 – The family has eaten dinner and I took perverse delight in sitting at the table and watching them all eat.  They wonder if I’ve lost my mind.  Have I?  How would I know?  Does this stuff make me paranoid?  If I am, would I know I was paranoid, or would I just have a suspicion?  I think I need to go journal or make an appointment with my mental health professional.

9:00 -   I’m not certain, but I think this little magic discovery of the century is my new lover.  I just finished weeding all the gardens, mowing the lawn, re-arranging the garage, making a dump run, fixing the siding, caulking the windows and insulating the hoses on the A/C unit.  I would have done more but the dang Sun is such a slacker.  It had to go hang out on the other side of the world or something like that. 

I can’t wait to see what is on my to-do list for tomorrow!  I got so much done and I hardly ate enough to keep a bug alive.  Let’s recap…toast with peanut butter, animal crackers, paper clips, a Lemon Head, oreo’s, cheese its.  Sounds like a totally balanced diet, doesn’t it?  I’m thinking they should market this stuff…oh, wait, they do…to idiots like me!!!! I’m just sayin’…

So I lost my toddler in a snow bank...sue me.

When I moved to Minnesota at about 30 years old, I can guaran-darn-tee you that this tender California girl was a duck out of water.  I was totally unprepared for the realities of living in a state that prides itself on its -40 degree weather.  It was only by the Lord’s hand that I did not perish in the first two weeks buried butt up in the snow.  That could have happened, but my husband was hungry for dinner and he came looking for me.  Thank God for that hearty Midwestern appetite!

I thought I was prepared for the change in climate and culture, but I’m telling you…I was clueless on both fronts.  We moved to Minnesota in the dead of winter.  That was mistake number one.  Moving into a rental house with no attached garage while we looked for our perfect home was mistake number two.  I hadn’t thought about warming up the truck prior to going out on errands with my year-and-a-half old son, Chris, and my husband in his infinite wisdom felt a .22 rifle was a more important purchase than an automatic car starter.  But, to his credit he did reminded me before he left for work to warm up the truck about 15 minutes prior to leaving to go anywhere.  Did I listen?  Do bears refrain from you-know-what’ing in the forest?  Why would I do that?  So, on my first foray into the frozen tundra, Chris and I both sat in a frozen truck crying as we waited for the engine to warm up enough to move out of the garage.  I couldn’t feel my toes or nose and poor Chris had snot frozen to his upper lip.  I thought he would be warm as I bundled him in his spanking new snow suit and some kind of wool hat that made him look like a demented court jester.  Unfortunately, the snow suit was three sizes too big.  Apparently all snow suits that would actually fit a toddler were sold in July, so by January, all you are left with are snow suits that would fit an adult dwarf.  Excuse me…adult little person.  Hey, listen, I know I lost my “Mother of the Year” award that day, but at least I went to Kmart and made the attempt to outfit the kid, right?  Come on, give me a break here, do YOU know where to find a snow suit in southern California?  It's like Sasquatch...until it is in your hands or hanging in your closet, it don't exist.

I thought about returning to the house and letting the car warm up, but that really wasn’t an option because it nearly killed both of us getting to the car to begin with!  The snow was thigh-high and I was holding Chris in my arms, or over my head pushing through mounds of the newly fallen snow just to get to the garage.  Once I got there, I had to put him down somewhere, and I think I completely lost sight of him in a snow bank for a minute or so while I tried to figure out how to open an ancient garage door that was nearly frozen to the ground.  Once I got it open, I dug Chris out, and we proceeded to the truck.  I'm wondering at this point if anyone in this state knew about automatic garage door openers?  I mean seriously folks, they are sold all over the%*# state!  I was cursing every native son in Minnesota that day!  I was beginning to see how these people become so dang hardy.  It has to do with the fact that you get hardy or die!  I thought it would be just my luck to die behind the wheel and never leave the garage. 


So, as I’m busy acclimating to the frozen tundra, exchanging my pretty high heeled pumps for mukluks and my double breasted wool jacket for a parka, my husband announces that he is going to go ice fishing with the relatives.  Ok, this is a new concept, this ice fishing thing.  Explain ice fishing to me.  Apparently it has something to do with packing up an inordinate amount of supplies, bundling into ten layers of clothing, leaving at a ridiculous hour of the morning to travel out to the middle of a frozen lake, drill a hole in the ice and then stare at it until you see a fish swim by, then you try to catch it.  In between all this staring, copious amounts of beer and football are consumed while you sit in an “ice house” the size of an outhouse.  I think I just described to all females the equivalent of ripping out our uterus without anesthesia.  I mean, really!  Who could find this enjoyable?  I know there are a few hardy women out there who swear they love ice fishing, and to them I say that is all fine and dandy.  Go ahead and fit in your love of ice fishing between your hide-tanning and jerky-making, but as for me, I’ll be at the nail salon. 

So as I tried to absorb this ice fishing information, I asked my husband if it wouldn’t be easier to wait until the lake was unfrozen - which in this state is for at least for three weeks?  Wouldn’t that give him a sufficient amount of time to get that “hunter/gatherer” itch out of his system?  Well, that would be a logical argument of course, but as time went by, I realized that ice fishing is less about providing for the family, and more about husbands and boyfriends escaping wives and girlfriends with “Honey Do” lists.  Whether they come home with fish or not is irrelevant.  The fishing is thrown in for good measure to hide all the beer drinking, football and time away from "The Drones."  Since I have been divorced for well over 15 years, I think you can guess how that ice fishing thing went over in our house.   

I mean, really…if you are going to develop a Midwestern hobby, why not take up something fun like Bingo?  That seems like a much more productive hobby than ice fishing.  Think about it, you could hit a $500 Blackout at Bingo and help your church or favorite Indian Reservation at the same time!  And, realistically, by the time you split your winnings with all your relatives, you would have just enough to buy your own fish dinner at Long John Silvers.   All that, and you wouldn’t have to spend the evening rubbing Icy Hot and Udder Butter on your frozen backside as you wonder who in the heck thought a 5 gallon bucket made a great chair.  I’m just sayin’…

Beware of the bars!!!

When I transplanted to Minnesota, I was pretty much clueless when it came to the regional cuisine.  I didn’t know what the heck Lutefisk was and by the looks of it, I certainly didn’t want to eat any.  Sauerkraut made my eyes burn, and who the heck ever thought it was a good idea to deep fry curds of anything, especially cheese?  Well, having been here awhile now, I do, and I’ve also become a fan of anything fried on a stick during state fair season…but that’s not the point of the story. 

My favorite saint of a cousin, Elaine, called me one day to invite me to a family function.  Now this was especially exciting for me because I was new to town and still getting to know my relatives.  I was really excited to get together and pass the bread basket, so to speak.  She asked if I would like to bring some bars for dessert.  Now…for those of you who know what bars are…well  aren’t you just a bit too smart for your britches…but where I came from, bars are places where people drink, sing bad karaoke, and play pull tabs, or bars are something I buy at the store and horde in my desk for a 2:30 sugar high.  I didn’t know that bars were desserts that people make in these parts and put on cookie sheets!  And there are apparently like 500,000 kinds of bars you can make and most Lutherans know them all.  Catholics are a close second.  In my expertise, I was an atheist.  No bar experience…sorry.  I have since become an expert at consuming bars.   

So, when Elaine asked me if I would bring bars to the family get together, I thought I got off easy.  No potato salad to fix, no veggies to cut up, no casserole to prepare…just go grab a few bags of Snickers at HvVee and it’s all good!  When Elaine asked me what type of bars I would like to bring to the get-together, the following study in miscommunication ensued…

“I thought I would bring some Snickers Elaine, is that good?”

“Good?  That’s great!  Snickers, yum…how do you make those?”

“Well, I assume with nuts, caramel, chocolate…some kind of nougaty stuff, why?”

 At this point, I’m thinking, jeez, this chick has never tasted a Snickers?  She will be easy to buy for at Christmas!

“Well, I don’t have the recipe for those, I would love to have the recipe.”

“I don’t have the recipe either Elaine.  Do I need a recipe for Snickers?”

“Wow!  Are you that good with your bars that you know the ingredients by heart?” 

“It’s not that big of a stretch is it Elaine?”

“Well, for cryin’ out loud Sally Jean, I mean, I know what’s in ‘em but that doesn’t mean I know how they are made.”

“I don’t know how they are made either Elaine, but is that important…I mean, is it important to know how the bars are made?”

“Well, for Pete’s sake, it seems to me it helps the process if you know what you are making when you attempt to make it.”

“True.  I’m sure that is all thought out ahead of time.”

“Um…right…um…” *awkward silence*

At this point, I'm thinking dang, is the manufacturing process in Minnesota really that different than other places in the nation?  Do people just show up at the plant and make it up for the day?  Hey Lars...you dump some of those peanuty things into the nougaty stuff...Leana, you go find some chocolate and mix it with some caramel and give it to Norm to mix it in that really big buckety looking thingy.  Really?

“So, anyway Elaine, I’m bringing Snickers…is that good?”

“Yah sure! How many?”

Now I've heard that we have an uncle who is a real carnivore of sweets, but he was suppose to have developed Type II Diabetes, so it seemed to me I could cut back on a bag.

“Do I need to count them, really?“

“Well, I mean…how many sheets, you know…cookie sheets of them?”

“I need to put them on cookie sheets?”

“Well, isn’t that how you make them?”

“I have to make them?”

At this point, I'm breakin' out in a flop sweat.

“Well, goodness gracious Aunt Molly how else are you going to get Snickers on a cookie sheet?”

“Why do they need to be put on cookie sheets?  Is that a cultural norm around here or something? “

“Well, I suppose you could put them into a baking pan, but do they bake all the way through if they are that thick?”

“Bake?  Who said anything about baking?”

“Well for crimeny sakes Sister Laura how can you make a bar without baking it?”

“Make bars?  What the heck are you talking about?”

“I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR SNICKER BARS!”

“We are…I was going to buy some at HyVee and just bring them in their bag…”

“Holy jumpin’ Jehoshaphat, they make bars in a bag at HyVee…well,  I never!”

One of us peed our pants at this point, but we will never admit who and it will go with us to our graves.  I will only say this…Elaine had to excuse herself from the phone for just for a teensy weensy moment,  but I don’t want to imply anything.  If Elaine tells her version differently, well, she is older, memory being what it is, she might not remember the events as vividly as I do.  I’m just sayin’…