Ok, I'll admit it...I watch The Bachelor very seldom and when I do I usually only watch the finale because quite honestly, isn't that the only thing worth watching? I mean, how many times can you watch a couple load into a helicopter and wax poetic about how gorgeous the surroundings are? Seen one helicopter scene, seen them all. Say that three times fast. But this season promises to have surprises galore as we watch the adventures of Brad the Recycled Bachelor. How exciting. Kind of like waxing my upper lip. Only that would actually be more fun. But anyway...I've decided this is blogger gold, so I'm going to follow the adventures of our clueless, lovelorn bachelor. Heck, Brad's already gotten slapped in the kisser, so let's get this party started!
In this episode, Chantal gets a "one-on-one" date with Brad. What the heck did she do in her previous life to deserve that? Oh wait...that's a good thing, right? A one-on-one with Brad is a good thing? Ok, I'm still learning here people, cut me some slack.
So, shock of all shocks...how do they get to their fairy-tale first date but by...wait for it... yeah, you guessed it...a helicopter. Good Lord. Kill me now. We are only 15 minutes in. But this is suppose to be romantic, people, so I'll just play their silly game and listen in. Chantal is excited that they are going "on an amazing date, with an amazing guy" (obviously, Chantal attended One Adjective High) and she's scared to death because this date could "change her life forever." Note to Chantal...talk about a life changer...wait until you use Scrubbing Bubbles for the first time. It's true...they DO work harder, so you don't have to.
As the happy couple land at Catalina Island, Brad surprises Chantal with the notion that on this island...which is surrounded by...water...because that is what makes it an...island... that they will be going into....the water!! Big surprise for Chantal!! Imagine her horror as she looks down at her fake floatation devices and realizes that she will be bobbing and weaving more than a drunken prize fighter. At this point, Brad faces the camera and exclaims, "I have been waiting to take Chantal O. on a date..." WAIT! Are the producers trying to pull a fast one on me? How many Chantal's are there in this wacko episode? I better go check my Bachelor Cliff Notes.
So back to Bobber... Now these two love-birds are skipping along the ocean floor and doesn't Brad look so darn handsome with the kelp wrapped around his heavenly ripped thighs? I have to admit, that little unitard he is wearing is doing nothing for me, but Chantal is fogging up her 50 lb. helmet. Now she's crying and wishing her long-wearing mascara was waterproof 'cuz this whole thing is freaking her out man! As she says,"My biggest fear is that I'm going to go down there, and I'm never going to come up." Well, Chantal honey, we can only hope, yes, we can only hope. Hey, come on now, don't call me insensitive, think of the rose that would be saved.
So, after the date, we are back at Psycho Central and now some chick named Michelle with a black eye is looking cynically into the camera and exclaiming, "There is a good chance that if I don't get a date this week, that Brad will be getting his own black eye." Oh now ya went and did it Michelle. You've stirred up all those loving' feelings in every penitentiary in the country and prisoners everywhere are ripping down their Farah Fawcett posters in the hopes you will be shooting a swimsuit calendar soon. Didn't your momma ever teach you that you NEVER make a threat on national television to beat up a potential boyfriend unless you want prison penpals for the rest of your life? Geez...who's pre-screening these girls?
Now, after enduring Chantal and now Michelle, I feel like I need to take a shower to get this sticky gooey off of me. But no...shows not over. What? This can't be! We are only 24 minutes in? I'm never gonna make it. No seriously, I have a bladder the size of a pea, so I'm never gonna make it. I'm not going to put it on pause because I really don't think I'll miss that much.
I was right. This episode is longer than War and Peace. In the interest of time, let me recap with the shorthand version from here on in...
Girls in the hot tub hate Ashley H.
Ashley H. secretly plots to drown all girls wearing neon green bikinis in the hot tub.
Brad is sucking off the nose and chin of some girl who sadly, is named Britt.
Ashley H. interrupts sucking session and secretly plots to kill girl who sadly, is named Britt.
Michelle has sudden elbow spasm that looks oddly like a threat of bodily harm to Ashley H.
Brad joins girls in hot tub. Girls whine, snivel and moan to Brad and I believe Ashley H. peed in the bubbles.
Brad leaves the hot tub and gets clingy with Alli on the couch. Love fest is interrupted by Minnie Mouse AKA Ashley (apparently with no last initial, so as not to confuse the viewers)
...who is then interrupted by heck, I don't know...I can't keep up. These girls are coming at Brad faster than a wedding dress hits the ground in the Honeymoon suite.
All I know is there are four girls left bitching in the hot tub and Snooky isn't one of them.
So, I'm worn out and I'm only 40 minutes into the show. I need a break. Let's continue this party in few days, ok? I have a helicopter to catch.
Ta-ta for now!
