Put this under "Kids Say the Darndest Things!"

I love being the kind of auntie who spoils her nieces and nephews.  In fact a story that has gone down in family history is the one where I was driving my three year old niece to the mall.  We were going to have a girl’s day of shopping and lunch.  As we were driving and singing to Baby Beluga, I approached a triple set of railroad tracks.  Traffic was light and I was going the posted speed limit of 35, so as I drove over the tracks the car made the requisite “bbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……” sound.  I looked over at my niece who was now smiling.  I asked her, “Did you like that?”  She just smiled and said, “Oh…those things tickled my privates!”  I nearly crashed the car!

Well, I recounted this story to her mother  when we got home from our day of shopping and lunching and she just gasped!  My sister asked me, “What did you SAYYYY????”  I just looked at her and said, “Well, I asked her if she wanted me to drive around and we could do it again!”  My sister fainted.   Total over-reaction if you ask me, I'm just sayin'...

Oh! Christmas Tree...

One thing my ex-husband was good for was chopping down the annual Christmas tree, mounting it and hauling the massive thing inside.  When we got divorced the boys were 2 and 5 and I was determined to carry on this tradition, ex-husband be damned.  So, as Christmas approached, I dressed the boys in their finest snow gear and drove them out to Clarks Grove to pick out the family tree.  

The only instruction given at the gate to the tree farm was to make sure “under no circumstance” to cut down trees with yellow X’s on the trunk.  We drove to a spot that looked promising and as we piled out of the truck, I was feeling pretty empowered.  I had an axe and I was gonna get me a tree!  The boys were scattering about looking for what they thought was the perfect tree.  I heard Chris scream, “Mom…this tree is the best!”  I looked over to where he was standing and by golly that tree did look pretty darn good.  In my zeal to prove that I didn’t need a man to bring down a mighty pine, I started to chop away at the trunk.  I was only 1/3 through the trunk when I moved to the opposite side only to see a dreaded yellow X !  Now what? I thought.  I’m going to have to pay a huge amount for taking down a yellow X tree and I’m a single mom!  I can’t afford two trees!  How will I explain to the boys that we will be putting up a plastic Charlie Brown tree from Kmart instead of our mighty pine?  But what else could I do?  I told myself that I would have to chop down the tree, load it into the back of the truck and go to the office and pay for my transgression.  I was NOT looking forward to this. 

As I picked up the axe to finish the job, Mitchell announced that he couldn’t wait any longer…nature was calling.  What was I to do?  I’m in the middle of the tree farm, with a half-cut yellow X tree and a kid whose bladder is busting.  I dropped the axe, walked Mitchell over to the truck and told him to drop his snow pants and take a whiz.  As he was christening the new fallen snow, a HUGE SUV came barreling down the road and pulled over right next to our truck.  As they made their sudden stop, they threw up enough snow to cover Mitchell, and half our truck.  Four people exited the SUV and no apology for what they had just done was forthcoming.  As I stood there in disbelief, I heard the father yell, “Hurry up and find a tree…I need to be on a conference call in five minutes!”  He was waiving his cell phone and pacing the length of the SUV.  As his wife and kids scattered out, I saw his wife approach the yellow X tree.  “Honey…this one is perfect!  It looks like someone wanted it…it’s almost cut through!”  The man took one look at the tree, and yelled, “Cut it down, it’s ours now! !” 

Well, what was I to say?  The guy had a conference call to get to, and his wife was pretty dang handy with that axe!  Besides, I had a two year old to supervise as he tried to write his name in the snow!  Three swings and she had that yellow X tree down on the ground.  Like a finely tuned team of precision soldiers, they had the tree and the kids loaded in the SUV and headed back to the office.  I couldn’t help but smile and wave as they headed off, yelling, “Looks like you got yourself a beauty! ”  

The boys and I found and cut down an appropriate tree and turned to leave.  We had to wait in line for a bit as it appeared there was an intense discussion between the tree farm owners and the guy in the SUV.  I was willing to talk to the owner to let them know I had initiated the first cut on the Yellow X tree, but they waved me through... "Sorry for the wait lady...we have a SITUATION here.  $20 for the tree and you can be on your way."  I took it as a sign from God to pay up and shut up.  Sometimes you just have to let things happen, you know?  I'm just sayin'...