Wanna know where the Bachelor is? He's in Anguilla...located in the Caribbean Sea, the northern most island in the Leeward Island chain. I'll bet you never thought you would learn so much about geography while watching this insipid show did you? I have to say, having never been to the island of Anguilla, it is a visual treat. Just the place to fall in love, or at least heavy lust, which apparently is what Brad did as Michelle was draped over him in nearly nothing during the photo shoot, but more on that later.
Brad once again is taking all the credit for planning this island getaway and finding the most luscious accommodations anyone could wish for. That Brad. He's the whole package isn't he? The Bachelor and a Travel Planner to boot. Someone should snag that putz. But I have a bone to pick with Retread... WHEN oh when is he going to realize that we are all in on the fact that this is a reality show and that we all know ABC foots the bill and plans the dates and hires the helicopter and leases the yacht? We sort of all know that he just shows up and hits his mark and reads from the cue cards. Just ONCE I want to hear the girls say "Hey...Producer and Director...thanks for the awesome location shoot! Get the Grips and Sound Guys and we will see you at the Lusty Conch Shell tonight for pretzels and fuzzy navels!" Now THAT would be some reality TV. Brad could sit back at the hotel and play with his roses and the girls could really have an island getaway! Just a thought.
So...it begins. Who will get the one-on-one date today??? Well, it's lucky, plucky Emily the Hometown Girl. I like Emily. She looks like an Emily. She acts like an Emily, which is to say, I know alot of Emily's that I really like, so she's got it goin' on. So I'm happy for her, but I'll tell ya...if there was a thought bubble above Michelle's head when she heard it was the fair Emily that got the one-on-one it would say, "She swims with the fishes tonight by God." That chick scares me.
Now I'm wondering at this point, just where is Retread and the Fair One going to go today? Let me think, could it involve water and a helicopter? No...that's not very original, Brad's been there, done that. How about a speed boat to whisk them away to a deserted island? Well, OK, so Brad got it half right. Here comes the dang helicopter again which can only mean, get the subtitles and earphones ready. Well, Brad DID say that he wanted to take their relationship to new heights! Oh ain't that punny! Dang Brad, if you really WERE planning these dates I'd have to give you an "A" for originality...NOT. I've seen so many dang helicopters this season that I think ABC got a season pass from Helicopters 'R Us or something, I mean really...enough with the whirly birds already!
But now the happy couple are dropped off onto their very own private island, which by all standards looks like a sandbar with a hut, but the cue cards say, "Oh my GOSH Brad, a private island??? Really?" so that's what Emily says. She actually added, "SHUT UP!" after that, which I thought was the most original thought I had heard all season. Brad is lugging a picnic basket with the requisite champagne in tow and decides to sit on the ONLY seaweed on the sandbar. Yeah, real romantic Brad...get a sand crab up your butt while you sip bubbly...aren't you Rico Suave?? At least Emily was smarter and sat off to the side. I mean, seriously, it was the only seaweed on the sandbar! Good lord, he's a putz. And WHY is Emily's hair going from wet to dry to wet and dry again? Where is The Donald when you need him? Editing department? Your fired!
But the date turns serious later that night when Brad asks Emily if he can meet her daughter, Ricky. But she's torn. She's not sure he's important enough to meet little Ricky. Emily is a smart woman. She's playing Brad like a violin. Give him just a little...tease him, then tell him no. That's right Emily, make him sit in the corner and want it! You go girl! She does such a great job as master puppeteer that Brad *GASP!!* breaks...the...rules!! He tells Emily that rules be damned, he's givin' her a rose at the end of the week and they are goin' to Charlotte! Make some calls Emily, the Putz is comin' to town and he's after your daughter! OK, that didn't come out right, but we knew what he meant.
But even though he's sworn a rose to Emily, don't think that means the Retread doesn't still have some life in him. He still has enough lust to make it through another one-on-one with Shawntal N. They are going to stroll the streets of Anguilla. I thought this part was really hysterical. Brad was trying to double dutch and kept stepping on the jump rope and saying, "My bad!" The locals were scratching there heads and wondering what kind of English classes were taught on the mainland. My bad. Good God. That phrase should be banned from polite conversation.
Shawtal N. however, was enjoying every second of the date, and later at dinner she used the moment to declare that she was sort of, in a way, possibly, pretty sure, last time she checked, amazing as it seemed, might be, in a way, falling in love with him. Brad squirms in the way that a guy squirms when a girl declares her love for him but he still has a little sand crab in his swim trunks for the fair Emily. The date bored me at that point...talk, talk, kiss, kiss...blah, blah, rain storm...amazing!...oh look, impromptu concert with the most famous reggae star on Anguilla. Is that really saying much for an island that has a population of 20?
They got back to the hotel somehow...I don't know...I was warming up my pork egg rolls.
OK, what did I miss? Alas, nothing. Now we see Brad on a one-to-one with Britt which involves cliff jumping, which you know, is going to end badly. This date was about as boring to watch as looking at grass grow and the poor Britt was kicked to the shore before she even got to finish her dessert after dinner. Man, there is nothing worse than that demeaning dinghy ride back to the hotel to pack your bags and go home. But it just wasn't in the cards for Brad and Britt. Buh-byeee Britt.
Just when you think you've seen enough, Brad wakes up the girls in the wee hours of the morning and takes them down to the shore for, you guessed it...a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit shoot. What? You didn't guess that? Well, neither did I actually. But this is going to get interesting because you just know Michelle is going to go after someone with that dagger she keeps under her pillow.
The girls have found out that they are going to pose in bikinis for a few pages in SI and already Chantal O. is irritated for eating too many of the chocolate covered strawberries at the last cocktail party. But Ashley is feeling her inner island girl and throws abandon and her bikini top to the wind as she poses with oyster shells over her Twins. Not to be outdone, Chantal O. frolics in the sand and surf and her Twins go for dip. Michelle of course, take the high road and insists that she doesn't de-frock for just anyone. Besides, it would give away the silicone secret she has been so zealously guarding all season. No, instead, she is going to rub all over Brad in a cheesy remake of "From Here to Eternity" and Brad once again finds out what it's like to have a sand crab in your swim trunks.
The girls are not happy. The photo shoot did not go as planned with Michelle trying to mate in the breakers, and Brad being the wimp that he was, not doing anything to stop it. No, our putz Brad did a naughty and he's going to have to get this train wreck back on the tracks. But how to do that? Clueless as he is, Retread has no idea, but he thinks he can get at least one girl on his side with a rose. Ashley is the lucky recipient and Michelle and Chantal O. are left to plot Putz's demise.
Back at the hotel, it's cocktail and rose ceremony time. In an uncharacteristic show of spine, Brad decides to break the rules once again and forgo the cocktail hour and cut right to the chase. He knows who he wants to go on hometown dates with and the rules be damned!!! So, the girls are told to head to the beach for the beheading. I mean, rose ceremony. Shawtal N. thinks she's in trouble and heading home. Chantal O. is sure she's in trouble. Michelle knows she's not going anywhere because she has Brad's chingadingas in a jar by her bed, so she's good to go. That leaves Emily, but she knows she's getting a rose, so...oh my gosh...the intrigue...who will get the axe??? As the tension builds, and Brad hands out the roses one by one, we are down to Michelle and Chantal O. OM Gosh, I'm actually a bit...interested. Could it be? Could Brad actually consider cutting the psycho Michelle?? No...can't be! But wait...!!! Here it comes...and...and...AND...YES!!!! Yes!! YES!! He gives the rose to Chantal O. !!!! Michelle is GONE! Drop kicked, punted, fogetabout it...GONE! And I couldn't be happier. As Brad walks Michelle to the car she refuses to speak to him. She gets into the limo and promptly slumps over into a lump of defeated humanity and for the next blessed 30 seconds, cat's got Michelle's tongue. For the record...she blinked 27 times. I counted. And life just got a little better on the Bachelor. Brad's putz-o-meter is settling down. I could be warming up to this guy. Or not. I'm just sayin'...
See ya next week!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
On The Bachelor, what happens in Vegas, really SHOULD stay in Vegas!
So...now Brad the Recycled Bachelor is heading off to Sin City! How exciting for him! The girls are pretty stoked too! They get to see Brad kiss and climb over girl after girl AND get free drinks while they gamble with ABC's money. That is so...no let me say it...AMAZING!
So they arrive at the hotel and Brad meets them in the Rugburn Suite. And they are SO impressed! Why shouldn't they be? It's the Penthouse Suite. Note to girls...the farther up you go in the elevator the cooler the rooms get! Really! And here is our Hospitality Director Brad telling them that this is ALL THEIRS! Well, at least until filming is over girls. Don't get too excited. But seeing the girls happy makes Brad happy and when Brad is happy the world is happy. And if that isn't enough, Brad's cup really runneth over because he tells every girl in the room that they will be getting a date with him. I'm lost...isn't that what this show is all about? Where is the newsflash there? Ok, I'll keep watching. This is bound to make sense sooner or later.
So looks like Shawntel N. is getting a "One on One" with Brad, which I have surmised by now means a date and not a basketball game. Brad mysteriously indicates that this date is going to end with "a bang." Hope Shawntel is luckier than Jimmy Hoffa..his date ended with a bang too I believe, but you know...what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
So off we go to explore the gluttenous riches of Sin City with Brad and lucky "One on One" winner, Shawntal. First stop, the most...wait for it...AMAZING...shopping mall in the world and it has ICEBERGS! Boy Shawntal, you ain't in Chico anymore! These here are real live fake icebergs...be impressed. As she looks around and tries to begin pronouncing the names of the shops, Brad tells Shawntal that she gets to go into any shop and buy to her hearts content. She is so darn excited, I'm waiting for her to pull out an inhaler, but the real humorous part of this is how Brad is reacting. I mean, I realize that nothing says love like retail therapy, but dude, this is on someone elses dime, remember? So what makes you the tall cowboy in the saddle? You aren't even signing the Visa bills. I don't think he's bright enough to realize that this is a reality show and he turns back into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight. Poor, poor Brad, I'm beginning to really feel bad for this guy. Ok, no I'm not, he's still a putz.
As they go from store to store, I'm getting antsier and antsier...at one point, I am screaming at the TV!!! Grab that Visa honey, ditch the dude, shop till you drop and put four tickets for you and your BFF's to Paris on that card before the ABC execs shut you down!!! Go!!! NOW!!!!
But alas, it is not to be. Instead, I get to listen to Shawntal drone on about how "natural" she feels holding Brad's hand, strolling through the mall, while a camera crew follows closely behind. I get it! That would be totally natural for me too. Wow...see? I'm starting to get it. No I'm not. I'm lying, Brad is still a putz.
So now Shawtal gets to head back to the herd to display her kill to the waiting lionesses. They quickly disembowel her and take her loot to the cave. Wait, that's National Geographic. I get confused sometimes, because the mating game on this show is so similar to the mating that goes on in the wild. Now, where was I?
Oh yeah...Shawntal is now walking through the door to the Rugburn Suite where all the jealous girls have assembled. She is thoroughly pissing Michelle off because she has the shoes and dress that Michelle wanted. Well, I would tell Michelle to build a bridge and get the heck over it, but she would probably put a hit out on me, so I better shut my mouth. Did I mention that Brad is a putz?
Fast forward to the end of this "One-on-One" date which entails dinner on the top of the hotel. We have to drag ourselves through fifty more uses for the word AMAZING! The dinner is AMAZING, the city lights are AMAZING, the fireworks are AMAZING, look at my new bra Brad, isn't it ...ok, you get the idea. All I know is that this part of The Bachelor is over, I only have to blog one more hour and THAT my friends, is AMAZING!
So now after a few minutes of fast forwarding on my DVR, were apparently Brad and his two loves were flying high in some kind of a Cirque de Soleil meets Elvis performance, and where Brad kisses one lady goodbye forever, we are now heading over to the NASCAR racetrack. And why a racetrack you ask? Oh please...one word...ratings. Let me explain...
Emily (who everyone loves from what I hear and I have to admit, has a certain "girl next door" charm about her) is the odds on favorite to steal Brad's heart during the second hour of this show. I pop a bowl of popcorn, sip some sugar-free Crystal Light, and balance my checkbook while I watch the drama unfold. Apparently, there is a reason we are at the racetrack. See, Emily had this fiance named Ricky. And, well, Ricky was a...wait for it...a NASCAR driver..who dies in a plane crash, on the way to a...wait for it...NASCAR race!!! Oh, come on now!! I KNOW you didn't see that one coming did you? I mean, what are the chances that the producers would decide to strap a bunch of clueless drama queens into some speeding race cars and send them careening around the oval without some sort of huge payoff? Call me cynical, but I feel a setup comin' on. And wouldn't you know it...Brad just KNOWS that something is bothering Emily. Of course, he pretty tapped into his feminine side, so being the prince that he is, he goes to get the 411 on the situation.
"Emily, I saw your face and I knew something was wrong..." That's reality show speak for cue the music...cue the sweet Emily...and let's get the audience boo-hooing. Well, I'll tell ya...I feel for her. Her story really is tragic and that is the FIRST real emotion I've had (well, if you don't count revulsion) since watching this show. But how dense do the producers think we are when Brad reacts to her story and says he had NO idea, and he feels TERRIBLE, but apparently, not too terrible because he still let the producers put her behind the wheel of a race car. Shame on you Brad. But darn it all, that plucky Emily...you gotta hand it to this girl...she took two laps for Ricky, one lap for her and now she's ready to find love! You GO girl! No...I mean, you should really GO girl...to another show, another network, anywhere but The Bachelor, cuz honey, you are too normal. Which leads me to the strangest scenes of the night which involved the least normal of the dames...you guessed it...Michelle.
This chick is great at whipping all the other girls into a frenzy and after whining non-stop about how the day ended up being the "Emily day" Michelle decides she's had enough. She doesn't want Brad to talk to the other girls so she takes him into...no let me rephrase that...she drags Brad into an adjoining room, slams him into a chair and jumps on his lap. Oh, this is just going to end badly I think. "From here on out...no talking." she says. Her eyebrows are looking really scary. How do chicks do that? I can't make my eyebrows do that. I tried. I just look constepated. Oh well, I digress. Anyway, I'm waiting for Brad to knee her in the crotch and throw her off his lap and declare his love for the sweet Emily, but NO...he stares at her like a love-sick puppy and wipes the drool off his chin with his tie. Pa-thet-ic.
"You have some really big decisions to make," she continues as she lovingly (?) strokes the side of his face "...and I think you need someone who appreciates you. So while you think tonight about your big decisions...kiss, kiss,stroke...who you are going to...kiss, kiss, stroke...terminate...kiss, kiss...I want you to remember...kiss, kiss...I sleep with a dager under my pillow. Now, let's go send some girls home."
Now I KNOW this chick will be around at the end, you know why? Because by the season finale, we will all hate Michelle so much that we will tune in to see her get her comeupance, and ABC will score a ratings bonanza. But in the end, I predict Brad will send the evil Michelle to the limo and propose to the fair Miss Emily. But don't feel too bad for Michelle. Chicks like her take advantage of their 15 seconds of fame. She will pop up on an episode of "Wipeout" wherein the tables will be turned and the big balls will kick HER butt for a change. Probably a good thing. That girl needs a good butt whoopin. Too bad Brad couldn't do it, but he's a putz. I'm just sayin'...!
See ya next week!
So they arrive at the hotel and Brad meets them in the Rugburn Suite. And they are SO impressed! Why shouldn't they be? It's the Penthouse Suite. Note to girls...the farther up you go in the elevator the cooler the rooms get! Really! And here is our Hospitality Director Brad telling them that this is ALL THEIRS! Well, at least until filming is over girls. Don't get too excited. But seeing the girls happy makes Brad happy and when Brad is happy the world is happy. And if that isn't enough, Brad's cup really runneth over because he tells every girl in the room that they will be getting a date with him. I'm lost...isn't that what this show is all about? Where is the newsflash there? Ok, I'll keep watching. This is bound to make sense sooner or later.
So looks like Shawntel N. is getting a "One on One" with Brad, which I have surmised by now means a date and not a basketball game. Brad mysteriously indicates that this date is going to end with "a bang." Hope Shawntel is luckier than Jimmy Hoffa..his date ended with a bang too I believe, but you know...what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
So off we go to explore the gluttenous riches of Sin City with Brad and lucky "One on One" winner, Shawntal. First stop, the most...wait for it...AMAZING...shopping mall in the world and it has ICEBERGS! Boy Shawntal, you ain't in Chico anymore! These here are real live fake icebergs...be impressed. As she looks around and tries to begin pronouncing the names of the shops, Brad tells Shawntal that she gets to go into any shop and buy to her hearts content. She is so darn excited, I'm waiting for her to pull out an inhaler, but the real humorous part of this is how Brad is reacting. I mean, I realize that nothing says love like retail therapy, but dude, this is on someone elses dime, remember? So what makes you the tall cowboy in the saddle? You aren't even signing the Visa bills. I don't think he's bright enough to realize that this is a reality show and he turns back into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight. Poor, poor Brad, I'm beginning to really feel bad for this guy. Ok, no I'm not, he's still a putz.
As they go from store to store, I'm getting antsier and antsier...at one point, I am screaming at the TV!!! Grab that Visa honey, ditch the dude, shop till you drop and put four tickets for you and your BFF's to Paris on that card before the ABC execs shut you down!!! Go!!! NOW!!!!
But alas, it is not to be. Instead, I get to listen to Shawntal drone on about how "natural" she feels holding Brad's hand, strolling through the mall, while a camera crew follows closely behind. I get it! That would be totally natural for me too. Wow...see? I'm starting to get it. No I'm not. I'm lying, Brad is still a putz.
So now Shawtal gets to head back to the herd to display her kill to the waiting lionesses. They quickly disembowel her and take her loot to the cave. Wait, that's National Geographic. I get confused sometimes, because the mating game on this show is so similar to the mating that goes on in the wild. Now, where was I?
Oh yeah...Shawntal is now walking through the door to the Rugburn Suite where all the jealous girls have assembled. She is thoroughly pissing Michelle off because she has the shoes and dress that Michelle wanted. Well, I would tell Michelle to build a bridge and get the heck over it, but she would probably put a hit out on me, so I better shut my mouth. Did I mention that Brad is a putz?
Fast forward to the end of this "One-on-One" date which entails dinner on the top of the hotel. We have to drag ourselves through fifty more uses for the word AMAZING! The dinner is AMAZING, the city lights are AMAZING, the fireworks are AMAZING, look at my new bra Brad, isn't it ...ok, you get the idea. All I know is that this part of The Bachelor is over, I only have to blog one more hour and THAT my friends, is AMAZING!
So now after a few minutes of fast forwarding on my DVR, were apparently Brad and his two loves were flying high in some kind of a Cirque de Soleil meets Elvis performance, and where Brad kisses one lady goodbye forever, we are now heading over to the NASCAR racetrack. And why a racetrack you ask? Oh please...one word...ratings. Let me explain...
Emily (who everyone loves from what I hear and I have to admit, has a certain "girl next door" charm about her) is the odds on favorite to steal Brad's heart during the second hour of this show. I pop a bowl of popcorn, sip some sugar-free Crystal Light, and balance my checkbook while I watch the drama unfold. Apparently, there is a reason we are at the racetrack. See, Emily had this fiance named Ricky. And, well, Ricky was a...wait for it...a NASCAR driver..who dies in a plane crash, on the way to a...wait for it...NASCAR race!!! Oh, come on now!! I KNOW you didn't see that one coming did you? I mean, what are the chances that the producers would decide to strap a bunch of clueless drama queens into some speeding race cars and send them careening around the oval without some sort of huge payoff? Call me cynical, but I feel a setup comin' on. And wouldn't you know it...Brad just KNOWS that something is bothering Emily. Of course, he pretty tapped into his feminine side, so being the prince that he is, he goes to get the 411 on the situation.
"Emily, I saw your face and I knew something was wrong..." That's reality show speak for cue the music...cue the sweet Emily...and let's get the audience boo-hooing. Well, I'll tell ya...I feel for her. Her story really is tragic and that is the FIRST real emotion I've had (well, if you don't count revulsion) since watching this show. But how dense do the producers think we are when Brad reacts to her story and says he had NO idea, and he feels TERRIBLE, but apparently, not too terrible because he still let the producers put her behind the wheel of a race car. Shame on you Brad. But darn it all, that plucky Emily...you gotta hand it to this girl...she took two laps for Ricky, one lap for her and now she's ready to find love! You GO girl! No...I mean, you should really GO girl...to another show, another network, anywhere but The Bachelor, cuz honey, you are too normal. Which leads me to the strangest scenes of the night which involved the least normal of the dames...you guessed it...Michelle.
This chick is great at whipping all the other girls into a frenzy and after whining non-stop about how the day ended up being the "Emily day" Michelle decides she's had enough. She doesn't want Brad to talk to the other girls so she takes him into...no let me rephrase that...she drags Brad into an adjoining room, slams him into a chair and jumps on his lap. Oh, this is just going to end badly I think. "From here on out...no talking." she says. Her eyebrows are looking really scary. How do chicks do that? I can't make my eyebrows do that. I tried. I just look constepated. Oh well, I digress. Anyway, I'm waiting for Brad to knee her in the crotch and throw her off his lap and declare his love for the sweet Emily, but NO...he stares at her like a love-sick puppy and wipes the drool off his chin with his tie. Pa-thet-ic.
"You have some really big decisions to make," she continues as she lovingly (?) strokes the side of his face "...and I think you need someone who appreciates you. So while you think tonight about your big decisions...kiss, kiss,stroke...who you are going to...kiss, kiss, stroke...terminate...kiss, kiss...I want you to remember...kiss, kiss...I sleep with a dager under my pillow. Now, let's go send some girls home."
Now I KNOW this chick will be around at the end, you know why? Because by the season finale, we will all hate Michelle so much that we will tune in to see her get her comeupance, and ABC will score a ratings bonanza. But in the end, I predict Brad will send the evil Michelle to the limo and propose to the fair Miss Emily. But don't feel too bad for Michelle. Chicks like her take advantage of their 15 seconds of fame. She will pop up on an episode of "Wipeout" wherein the tables will be turned and the big balls will kick HER butt for a change. Probably a good thing. That girl needs a good butt whoopin. Too bad Brad couldn't do it, but he's a putz. I'm just sayin'...!
See ya next week!
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