Wanna know where the Bachelor is? He's in Anguilla...located in the Caribbean Sea, the northern most island in the Leeward Island chain. I'll bet you never thought you would learn so much about geography while watching this insipid show did you? I have to say, having never been to the island of Anguilla, it is a visual treat. Just the place to fall in love, or at least heavy lust, which apparently is what Brad did as Michelle was draped over him in nearly nothing during the photo shoot, but more on that later.
Brad once again is taking all the credit for planning this island getaway and finding the most luscious accommodations anyone could wish for. That Brad. He's the whole package isn't he? The Bachelor and a Travel Planner to boot. Someone should snag that putz. But I have a bone to pick with Retread... WHEN oh when is he going to realize that we are all in on the fact that this is a reality show and that we all know ABC foots the bill and plans the dates and hires the helicopter and leases the yacht? We sort of all know that he just shows up and hits his mark and reads from the cue cards. Just ONCE I want to hear the girls say "Hey...Producer and Director...thanks for the awesome location shoot! Get the Grips and Sound Guys and we will see you at the Lusty Conch Shell tonight for pretzels and fuzzy navels!" Now THAT would be some reality TV. Brad could sit back at the hotel and play with his roses and the girls could really have an island getaway! Just a thought.
So...it begins. Who will get the one-on-one date today??? Well, it's lucky, plucky Emily the Hometown Girl. I like Emily. She looks like an Emily. She acts like an Emily, which is to say, I know alot of Emily's that I really like, so she's got it goin' on. So I'm happy for her, but I'll tell ya...if there was a thought bubble above Michelle's head when she heard it was the fair Emily that got the one-on-one it would say, "She swims with the fishes tonight by God." That chick scares me.
Now I'm wondering at this point, just where is Retread and the Fair One going to go today? Let me think, could it involve water and a helicopter? No...that's not very original, Brad's been there, done that. How about a speed boat to whisk them away to a deserted island? Well, OK, so Brad got it half right. Here comes the dang helicopter again which can only mean, get the subtitles and earphones ready. Well, Brad DID say that he wanted to take their relationship to new heights! Oh ain't that punny! Dang Brad, if you really WERE planning these dates I'd have to give you an "A" for originality...NOT. I've seen so many dang helicopters this season that I think ABC got a season pass from Helicopters 'R Us or something, I mean really...enough with the whirly birds already!
But now the happy couple are dropped off onto their very own private island, which by all standards looks like a sandbar with a hut, but the cue cards say, "Oh my GOSH Brad, a private island??? Really?" so that's what Emily says. She actually added, "SHUT UP!" after that, which I thought was the most original thought I had heard all season. Brad is lugging a picnic basket with the requisite champagne in tow and decides to sit on the ONLY seaweed on the sandbar. Yeah, real romantic Brad...get a sand crab up your butt while you sip bubbly...aren't you Rico Suave?? At least Emily was smarter and sat off to the side. I mean, seriously, it was the only seaweed on the sandbar! Good lord, he's a putz. And WHY is Emily's hair going from wet to dry to wet and dry again? Where is The Donald when you need him? Editing department? Your fired!
But the date turns serious later that night when Brad asks Emily if he can meet her daughter, Ricky. But she's torn. She's not sure he's important enough to meet little Ricky. Emily is a smart woman. She's playing Brad like a violin. Give him just a little...tease him, then tell him no. That's right Emily, make him sit in the corner and want it! You go girl! She does such a great job as master puppeteer that Brad *GASP!!* breaks...the...rules!! He tells Emily that rules be damned, he's givin' her a rose at the end of the week and they are goin' to Charlotte! Make some calls Emily, the Putz is comin' to town and he's after your daughter! OK, that didn't come out right, but we knew what he meant.
But even though he's sworn a rose to Emily, don't think that means the Retread doesn't still have some life in him. He still has enough lust to make it through another one-on-one with Shawntal N. They are going to stroll the streets of Anguilla. I thought this part was really hysterical. Brad was trying to double dutch and kept stepping on the jump rope and saying, "My bad!" The locals were scratching there heads and wondering what kind of English classes were taught on the mainland. My bad. Good God. That phrase should be banned from polite conversation.
Shawtal N. however, was enjoying every second of the date, and later at dinner she used the moment to declare that she was sort of, in a way, possibly, pretty sure, last time she checked, amazing as it seemed, might be, in a way, falling in love with him. Brad squirms in the way that a guy squirms when a girl declares her love for him but he still has a little sand crab in his swim trunks for the fair Emily. The date bored me at that point...talk, talk, kiss, kiss...blah, blah, rain storm...amazing!...oh look, impromptu concert with the most famous reggae star on Anguilla. Is that really saying much for an island that has a population of 20?
They got back to the hotel somehow...I don't know...I was warming up my pork egg rolls.
OK, what did I miss? Alas, nothing. Now we see Brad on a one-to-one with Britt which involves cliff jumping, which you know, is going to end badly. This date was about as boring to watch as looking at grass grow and the poor Britt was kicked to the shore before she even got to finish her dessert after dinner. Man, there is nothing worse than that demeaning dinghy ride back to the hotel to pack your bags and go home. But it just wasn't in the cards for Brad and Britt. Buh-byeee Britt.
Just when you think you've seen enough, Brad wakes up the girls in the wee hours of the morning and takes them down to the shore for, you guessed it...a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit shoot. What? You didn't guess that? Well, neither did I actually. But this is going to get interesting because you just know Michelle is going to go after someone with that dagger she keeps under her pillow.
The girls have found out that they are going to pose in bikinis for a few pages in SI and already Chantal O. is irritated for eating too many of the chocolate covered strawberries at the last cocktail party. But Ashley is feeling her inner island girl and throws abandon and her bikini top to the wind as she poses with oyster shells over her Twins. Not to be outdone, Chantal O. frolics in the sand and surf and her Twins go for dip. Michelle of course, take the high road and insists that she doesn't de-frock for just anyone. Besides, it would give away the silicone secret she has been so zealously guarding all season. No, instead, she is going to rub all over Brad in a cheesy remake of "From Here to Eternity" and Brad once again finds out what it's like to have a sand crab in your swim trunks.
The girls are not happy. The photo shoot did not go as planned with Michelle trying to mate in the breakers, and Brad being the wimp that he was, not doing anything to stop it. No, our putz Brad did a naughty and he's going to have to get this train wreck back on the tracks. But how to do that? Clueless as he is, Retread has no idea, but he thinks he can get at least one girl on his side with a rose. Ashley is the lucky recipient and Michelle and Chantal O. are left to plot Putz's demise.
Back at the hotel, it's cocktail and rose ceremony time. In an uncharacteristic show of spine, Brad decides to break the rules once again and forgo the cocktail hour and cut right to the chase. He knows who he wants to go on hometown dates with and the rules be damned!!! So, the girls are told to head to the beach for the beheading. I mean, rose ceremony. Shawtal N. thinks she's in trouble and heading home. Chantal O. is sure she's in trouble. Michelle knows she's not going anywhere because she has Brad's chingadingas in a jar by her bed, so she's good to go. That leaves Emily, but she knows she's getting a rose, so...oh my gosh...the intrigue...who will get the axe??? As the tension builds, and Brad hands out the roses one by one, we are down to Michelle and Chantal O. OM Gosh, I'm actually a bit...interested. Could it be? Could Brad actually consider cutting the psycho Michelle?? No...can't be! But wait...!!! Here it comes...and...and...AND...YES!!!! Yes!! YES!! He gives the rose to Chantal O. !!!! Michelle is GONE! Drop kicked, punted, fogetabout it...GONE! And I couldn't be happier. As Brad walks Michelle to the car she refuses to speak to him. She gets into the limo and promptly slumps over into a lump of defeated humanity and for the next blessed 30 seconds, cat's got Michelle's tongue. For the record...she blinked 27 times. I counted. And life just got a little better on the Bachelor. Brad's putz-o-meter is settling down. I could be warming up to this guy. Or not. I'm just sayin'...
See ya next week!
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