It is NOT a diet pill, it's the magical weight loss discovery of the century!

So I was up at two in the morning watching infomercials when along came a commercial for the magical weight loss discovery of the century!  It sounded intriguing, because I mean, this is the discovery of the century and not the decade or year, so that’s big stuff.  I thought as long as it was legal, well, why not try it?  I mean, I’m always up for going down on the scale!  I do need to say at this point that I don’t drink coffee, and I drink very little soda.  I am what you would call “hypersensitive” to caffeine.  Just thinking about caffeine gives me jitters.  Just saying the word “caffeine” dilates my pupils.  So you get the idea that caffeine amps me up a tad, right? 

None of the tiny print on the bottles I received mentioned feeling jittery but then again, my command of the Chinese language is limited.  I didn’t see any little characters that looked like the words “caffeine,” “speed” or “crystal meth" so I figured, this guinea pig is ready for duty Master Sergeant! 

8:00 a.m. – I took my magical weight loss discovery with a piece of toast and peanut butter.  I hope that I read it right.  My understanding of Chinese writing is limited to Won Ton, General Chow's Chicken, and Moo Goo something or other.  I could call the girl that does my nails, but I don’t think I could read the directions to her without sounding like I was choking, and besides, I think she’s Vietnamese.    So, I’ll just make it up.

9:00 – So far, so good.  No big amp up.  No big appetite either.  So maybe this pill is doing something!  I'll think about that a bit more, but first, I need to go attend to that whining cookie jar in the kitchen.  I’ll be back. 

9:15 – Wow!  Maybe there is something to this amazing discovery of the century!  I only ate half a dozen animal crackers!  It’s better than downing a dozen of those monsters right?  I mean, really, if you think about it, as long as you eat the smaller animal crackers like the turtle and the horse instead of the hippo, you are probably saving calories, right?  I wonder what I could save in calories if I scrape off the little candy balls that are sprinkled on top?  Does white icing have more calories than the pink?  Am I getting obsessive?  Am I asking myself a lot of questions?  How would I know?

9:45 – I need to clean my desk drawer.  And my office looks like an IED went off in the filing cabinets.  Paper and files and curriculum everywhere!!  And wouldn’t it be really productive if I opened all the reams of paper at one time?  How much time does my staff spend taking wrappers off photocopy paper anyway??  Let’s see…are all the light bulbs working?  Look at the dust on those extension cords!  And look at that impressive collection of Asian beetle carcasses in the corner of the windows!  Have I been living in a cave??  Lord, I never knew this, but I am an obvious hoarder!

10:45 – I’m afraid to go into the staff bathroom, but I think it is going to have to be done.

10:46 – It’s worse than I thought.  I’ll be busy for awhile. 

11:50 – After a cursory inspection, I need to put together a list of things I need from the hardware store.  Let’s see, toilet, sink, mirrors, paper towel dispenser, vinyl floor covering, drywall, paint.  That should cover it.  I don’t know how I have been subjecting myself or my staff to that bathroom, but it just needs to stop before someone files a Worker’s Comp claim.

Noon – Time to eat, but surprisingly, all I really want to eat is this little yellow lemon head that I found under my desk.  That should hold off the really bad cravings until afternoon.

12:30 – The staff are enjoying their sloppy joe’s and cole slaw.  I am chewing on my favorite paper clip.  It’s weird in an existential sort of way that I am happy chewing metal, and it’s even weirder that I’m thinking about words like existential.

1:45 – Time to pick up the Kindergarten kids.  I jump into my car, which this morning looked spic and span, but I just noticed that there is a haze on the windshield that needs to be addressed right now or I might cause an accident.  I get out the Windex and magic fiber cloth that I keep in the trunk and it is then I realize that there are water spots on this entire car!  How much time will it take to give the car a quick wax job?  What will I tell the teacher?  Maybe she would believe I had a mechanical failure if I rub some dirt on my face and mess my hair up just a bit.  Oh wait…what happened to my hair?  I was having a good hair day a few hours ago…where is my hair spray???

2:05 – I got in trouble.  I mean, what is worse than having your head chewed off by a teacher when you are clearly NOT a Kindergartner?  She wasn’t the least bit sympathetic to my dirt stained cheeks, and my flimsy story, but I think she had an attitude anyway because my hair clearly looked nicer than hers.  I realize teachers are underpaid, but they really need to quit taking that out on innocent citizens. 

2:10 – On the way from the Nazi prison they call a Kindergarten Center, I put down the windows and crank the tunes.  Singing at the top of my lungs is aerobic, and I find that I am totally sympathetic to that guy who rides all over town on his Schwinn bike collecting cans, when yesterday I almost ran him over and called him a four letter word.  This miracle pill could be a great help in bringing about world peace.  Leo thinks something has gotten into Miss Lynn and he doesn’t know if he should sit still, or bolt at the next available stop sign.  I tell him that the only reason I’m laughing out loud and talking to myself for no apparent reason is that the little helper Miss Lynn took this morning is obviously time-released!! Oh happy days!!

3:-45 – Time for another paper clip.

5:00 – I’m hungry and I will eat anything that isn’t nailed down.  Once I arrive home, I reach for the box of Oreo’s and pop them into my mouth without the least hesitation as to whether I should eat the cream-filled middles first or not.  Those are closely followed by Cheese-Its.  Interesting, I never knew the combination could sort of taste like a vanilla fudge sundae that has like a cheese topping!

6:00 – The family has eaten dinner and I took perverse delight in sitting at the table and watching them all eat.  They wonder if I’ve lost my mind.  Have I?  How would I know?  Does this stuff make me paranoid?  If I am, would I know I was paranoid, or would I just have a suspicion?  I think I need to go journal or make an appointment with my mental health professional.

9:00 -   I’m not certain, but I think this little magic discovery of the century is my new lover.  I just finished weeding all the gardens, mowing the lawn, re-arranging the garage, making a dump run, fixing the siding, caulking the windows and insulating the hoses on the A/C unit.  I would have done more but the dang Sun is such a slacker.  It had to go hang out on the other side of the world or something like that. 

I can’t wait to see what is on my to-do list for tomorrow!  I got so much done and I hardly ate enough to keep a bug alive.  Let’s recap…toast with peanut butter, animal crackers, paper clips, a Lemon Head, oreo’s, cheese its.  Sounds like a totally balanced diet, doesn’t it?  I’m thinking they should market this stuff…oh, wait, they do…to idiots like me!!!! I’m just sayin’…